#203 Tank Set

Tank Set is a game in which you by yourself in your lone tank must fend off an attack on your base by a barrage of 20 tanks. Not only must you avoid being shot by other tanks, but you also must protect your silver eagle treasure. If you are shot or your eagle is taken you lose. Chances are good you will eventually lose, but in the meantime you can rack up points shooting down tanks and also collecting goodies out on the battlefield. Once the 20 main tanks are elminated you can jump to the next wave.

There are 14 levels to choose from each with 118 starting points and once those 118 stages are beaten the game doesn't stop, but continues into infinity making up random levels. And if that's not enough for you, you can constrcut your own level much like Wolfenstein or Excite Bike.

The goodies on the field all wear off over time, but are a nice addition to the game. You can get a rubber bottom that enables you to cross rivers much like the Zelda ladder which without you are unable to defeat the 5th castle. There's also a Super Mario 2 time stopper that enables you to go whoop up on frozen enemes for 10 seconds, there's the Super Mario invincibility token, and of course the Defender nuclear option which eliminates all enemies on the field.

You can choose to start the game with anywhere from zero-99 spare lives, but the seemeingly endless supply of lives only matter if your tank gets shot. If the baddies capture the flag, its game over regardless of your life count. It's a remarkably simple game design and yet offers a lot of fun as you shoot through brick walls and get lost in the trees and negotiate the battlefield as you protect your flag. Worthy of a cell phone game program as you are sure to spend a good 10 minutes zoning out to the game as you blow up tanks and cut off all paths to your base.

Smooth Criminal

mybike
Originally uploaded by eatjuk

Monichuh got me this bike last year as an anniversary gift. I enjoyed riding it through the neighborhood until one day it was sabotaged by two youths who were familiar with all the bolts on this particular bike and loosened them and ran after me waiting for me to fall which I inevitable did.

Before I left Korea, I sold it to a co-worker of mine. Lured into the false sense of security that Korea provides, he didn't lock up the bike, and ultimately it ended up getting stolen. I still remember the key lock combination for the bike that he didn't use. The answer to the question of the universe: 042.

#204 Tennis

I either don't have the patience or the ability to defeat Tennis on its easiest setting. This game looks like a game that was probably at one time actually introduced to the Nintendo under that very name. Apparently your arms don't bend in this game of tennis which means you have to postion yourself in such a way that you are one fully extended arm and racket length away from the ball if you swing at it. Otherwise the ball just clocks you on the face when you swing at it.

Although I still think Urban Champion is the worst game I've played so far at least its terrible enough that I might actually play it again whereas on the other hand Tennis is so boring if I could press a delete button on any of these games I would eliminate Tennis and be happy to know I wouldn't have to spend any more time scrolling past it.

Shortcake

Have you ever heard of this shortcake blog? She's this girl and she totally has a blog that's all about her. It's like, "La da da me me me me. Loo Loo Doo me me me me. I'm so special, I have a blog." And there are all these observations on life that are like totally her own opinion and it just makes me sick to the bone about how someone can be so, "I'm special all the time because my name is shortcake." Whoopdee doo, shortcake. I'm so sick of her blog, its so nasty and gross about her feelings and thoughts. Its a total perversion of everything we hold sacred in being human.

For once I'd like to see her blog about something that's not about her or better yet the opposite of her. So maybe she could blog about everybody she doesn't know and things she doesn't know about for a change. How bout that shortcake? But she's afraid. She'll never change. I know a coward when I smell one and she smells like someone's whose so afraid of not being her that she'd probably die if she wasn't her and it would just totally blow her little mind. I'm going keep reading it though and hope it gets better, but it will probably keep sucking in which case I'll update everybody on how that's going. Stupid shortcake.

Me go dun dee road ta bun some ganja wit me fren.

momweed
Originally uploaded by eatjuk

There are 43 landlocked countries in this world and I've been to two of them. The Czech Republic and Switzerland. But that said, my most vivid memories of these countries are looking over the water from Charles Bridge in Prague and riding out on the Lake Geneva in a little dingy boat smoking cigars. Geneva and Prague are also two of the most picturesque places I've ever been that were dripping with that European charm. On the contrary Jamaica and Japan are the only waterlocked countries I've been to. But I hope to be adding Laos to list one and New Zealand to list two before too terribly long.

My mom is such a stoner.

#205 Urban Champion

In Urban Champion you're a no-good street youth who picks fights with other no-good street youths in front of various buildings that look suspiciously the same yet are labelled "Snack Bar", "Post Office", "Sperm Bank" and so on. You can punch someone in the face or the gut so not a lot of options here, but avoiding the angry old women in the second story window who are chucking flower pots at your head adds to the fun. You win when you back your opponent into an open sewer.

I didn't think there would be a game worse than Y-Project Mario Runner, but this game takes the cake. This gets my lowest rating so far for lack of originality and giving the player no motivation for playing whatsoever. You simply hit the punch button and wonder if you hit the button first or the other guy did. Its like Rock-em Sock-em Robots in slow motion and nowhere near as dynamic.

You're a super star!

Ran into my students at the park today and ended up in a pick up game of soccer. At one point the ball went wayward and whacked a rather dignified looking 25 year old Korean smack in the face. Upon such an injustice he beckoned the three children I was playing with and ordered them to stand in a line.

These were some of my most behaved students and they did as he commanded. He went on to berate them for playing soccer on the playground as I stood off to the side wondering if I should line up to and get my browbeating with them. After it was done they all bowed to him and apologized and went on their merry way. I snuck off myself not sure what to make of the incident.

On the one hand I felt guilty for not only not stopping my students from playing soccer on the playground, but also joining in and setting a bad example. Here I am acting like a child when I am actually the very teacher that they look up to in the school. And here this guy is who is younger than me who is setting some ground rules for the playground that are sensible and meant to keep this place an enjoyful area for all and not just three rowdy soccer thugs and their retarded foreigner friend.

On the other...lighten the fuck up. You're in a public park and a ball hits you? Sheesh, just roll with it you little bitch.

#206 Warehouse Number Eighteen

Warehouse No. 18 is a Russian puzzle game in which the goal of the game is to....wait for it...wait for it...move boxes in a warehouse. What impedes your progress to add to the conflict of the game might you ask? Armed men shooting from the rafters? A ticking time time bomb waiting to explode? Ninjas jumping out from the cargo? No, just narrow hallways and your inability to pull boxes or push more than one box at a time.

So it is strictly speaking a puzzle game and has a very Russian chess like feel to it All in all I would say its not a bad game though if you take it for what it is. Just a bit of a mind teaser, I have successfully gotten through the first two levels but they become much more difficult after that and you have to think out your box movements several steps in advance as to not trap yourself. If you do trap yourself you simply hit the a or b button and the level resets giving you the opportunity to move those boxes to the end of the warehouse. Kind of a step down from the last Russian game I played, but I guess they can't all be Tetris.

Happy Birthday Dan Simpson!

I know what your thinking... You have two years left before you die unless you are reborn in the fiery ritual of Carousel. But what if your palm crystal has a glitch or the computer sends you out on a secret mission and you become a runner yourself. Be careful Sandman, soon the tide may turn against you and beware Box for his homosexual feelings for you may become fatally strong. Of course if this was the novel Logan's Run and not the film you'd already be 7 years dead by now. Happy B-day!

#207 Warpman

In Warpman you are a green troll wearing a beige monastic cloak and carrying a key shaped staff that shoots bullets. The baddies are random blobs splotched with random colors that also shoot bullets. It kind of looks like Yoda is going apeshit at the Mos Eisley Cantina and all the freaks are firing back.

Reminiscient to Robotron 2084 in that you are confined to the screen and once all the destructible enemies are eliminated, the player progresses to the next wave, facing more enemies. There is however, one exception and that is if you find the crucifx warp item which once is picked up makes the center vortex glow and you are able to skip ahead without defeating the enemies.

There are also levels in which your key shaped staff no longer fires bullets but lays down 5 second mines that require more timing and accurate placing to defeat the enemies. The best feature of the game are the innocent letter couriers that seem to have no real hatred for Yoda, but carry the letters "e.x.t.r.a." and if all letters are collected you can receive an extra life. So basically you have to kill these non-combatants to extend your lives on the battlefield. So far this game is one I find most worthy to play on your cell phone during your morning commute to work.

The only real excercise I get...

The only real excercise I get is flexing to myself in the mirror and doing a little bit of Tae Chi dances moves while I wait for the subway. Caught a Comedy Improv show last night at the Big Electric Cat in Itaewon. There was some real talent up there I must admit and not a bad show especially since there t'weren't no cover charge. In Itaewon the bartenders are known for having a much higher English fluency rate then elsewhere in Seoul, so I was surprised to find myself suffering from a typical English/Korean miscommunication. Not feeling well enough for a brewski, I asked for a Cola, but although I was surprised by the $6 price tag, I didn't object and handed over the dough. Moments later I shrugged my shoulders as I tipped back a nice cool lime topped Corona. Well at least I didn't pay 6 bucks for a Pepsi, though next time I think that's what I'll order beause I can't think of a a convenient rhyme that Pepsi could be mistaken for, unless of course I end up acquiring the rights to Joe Pesci. "No, I said, PepSEE dammit! PepSEE! Argh! Just forget it, let's go make Leathal Weapon 5."

#208 Werestle

Werestle is not a Werewolf Wrestling game though that would be cool, but just another one of many typos on a list of many many crappy games. There are 8 charcters to choose from, and by far my favorite is a guy in a full suit of knight's armor which wouldn't be a bad idea for the WWF wrestler. I can imagine the Knight always getting in difficult situations with his helmet getting turned around the wrong way as he is beaten down by metal chairs and the crowd goes crazy hearing the clanks. Brilliant.

This game actually has a lot of good things going for it. You have a tag team partner who you can call upon when you're feeling down and you can also throw yourself against the ropes to do a flying attack that when timed and aimed right is unstoppable. Also the crowd throws crack cocaine frisbees into the ring which not only speeds up the wrestler who gets to it first. but also enables him to do some super moves such as throwing your opponent hundreds of feet into the air and then show off your guns to the crowd as they land on their head. The only down side is I can't figure out how to do any of the moves and I'm just randomly smashing buttons hoping for the best. I guess some other wacko with too much time on his hands will have to work on the instruction booklet, but time would probably be better spent programming that Werewolf Wrestling game.

Munching on Prunes because my BeeNaps are killing me!

Have a case of the old Brectums. Dropped the H bomb and have had a high yogurt and bran intake, but these purpies keep on holding on. Maybe Brectums and Prurpies are obvious, but BeeNaps is my reference to Napolean B's loss at Waterloo, to make that connection. Anyway the word hemmoroids is just far too disturbing to use and that is why I am offering three new euphemisms for the rizzoids. Go ahead and have a vote and let me know if you ever end up using my lexical creations. I'm guessing Brectums is right out because of its obvious associations, but who knows, maybe the voters will see some charm in it.

#209 Yie Ar KUNG FU

Yiearrrgh KUNG FU has excellent music and not bad background video game art. The main problem with this game is actually the sound effects which become increasingly annoying everytime you miss your opponent and are forced to hear the ping sound that is all too often associated with the mindless gameplay of Pong.

Your name is Lee and you fight warriors with your bare hands and feet while your opponents have the luxuries of sticks and fire to uneven the playing field. I was only able to defeat the first contender, one Mr. "Wang" armed with a stick, before I was repeatedly trounced by the great "Tao" fighter who besides being equipped with fireballs and lightning speed also is packing some serious King Hippo weight.

Chuseok Holiday!

Hey hey, I've got a 6 day weekend! Thank the good lord for Chuseok "chewsock", the annual harvesting day which requires the government give three days off during the week, and luckily I got six. Ahsa!. Today I enjoyed the Korean version of "Field Day" which like our filed day has races, games, tug-of-war, and the school fiercely divided between the two school colors. But unlike our field day there are a lot more performances. Including some sort of mass games ripoff as well as smalled performances by the schools' dance clubs.

My school has two dance clubs. One is a ballroom dancing dance club which features 5 girls and three boys. One girl has to wear the boys costume. This club also features our only two black students, but I don't just mean the only two black students in the school which they are, but the only two black students in Korea which I suspect. They are a brother sister duo I'm assuming.

The other club is a break dancing group and they put on one hell of a choreographed performance. This group is all Korean males all decked out in hoodies. But I couldn't help to notice that the star of the break dancing troupe was also one of the only 3 boys in the ballroom dancing club. The crowd pleasing moment of today's festivities was when our dancing star starting spinning on the back of another dancer. The crowd went nuts and I was wondering if we had another David Elsewhere on our hands.

Free at Last!

Hazzah! I've redone my settings so that everyone has the freedom to comment on my blog. The tricky bastards at blogger have it preset to blogger people only and most of us are too incompetent to change it, but I've hacked my way into the deeper structure of the code and found the improper HTML demons that have been toying with my comment space. Let freedom ring!

#210 Y-Project Mario Runner

GBA 210 game Multicart

So, about a year ago I had some time to kill while I was waiting for a friend and I popped in my local video game store and was intrigued to see a multicart for sale that boasted 210 awesome games rolled ito one for a mere $40. That's less than 25 cents per game so how could I not buy it.

The week I bought it I tinkered around with it and was amazed to see how many crappy games they were able to put into one system, but I figured I would never actually have a chance to play them all. I've decided though instead to actually go ahead and play them all one at a time and give a mini review on a daily basis much like today's entry will be minus the lengthy intro into the project.

#210 = Y-Project Mario Runner

So, basically you got mario and the bricks and the elevators and some koopas and your trying to get through some maze. The screen shot you see there is just about as far as I've gotten so maybe that's all there is.

Mario does have some fancy new powers, most impressively melting bricks with the touch of death and crawling upside down under elevator I-beams. However, the one thing that makes Mario, Mario, his ability to jump is missing. The Japanese even dubbed Mario, Jumpman and it was the Americans who forever christened him the legendary Italian title.

But what good is a jumpman who can't jump and succumbs into falling in a crevice one Mario deep. That's right instead of jumping one "small mario" length upward and out of the crevice instead Mario simply looks to the left and looks to the right and apparently takes cyanide to end his misery.

Extremely productive against my best efforts

Recently finished Fast Food Nation and though grandma contends it's propaganda, it is the best kind of propaganda - harshfullly truthful and seeking a change in the way business is done. It got me thinking though about the negative connotations of the word propaganda and how important it is to be media literate now a days and realize every message is designed not to supply you with correct information that will maximize your life, but rather to achieve that media's end...to sell you something. And frankly I'm buying, but not the burgers at McDonald's and Burger King which are both within walking distance of my apartment, but rather the idea that McDonald's can do better and should do better mainly by applying the necessary changes from the slaughterhouse and slowing down the line.

Today I had to teach for forty five minutes and yet sit at work for 7 hours. This means I now have lesson plans lasting till early October and I am currently up to date on all the news feeds from Yahoo and MSN messenger, I particularly enjoyed the beatdown of the Florida student and the tasering that followed at the Kerry speech.

My wikipedia find for the day was "Hijri" the Muslim calendar in which it is currently year 1428. However since it is a lunar based calendar there are only 355 days in the year. The implication is that although the Gregorian calendar is currently 600 years ahead now, eventually the Hijri calendar will catch up and surpass the Gregorian year number. This was not mentioned in Wikipedia and I am considering updating the entry to include not only that Hijri will surpass Gregorian, but the exact year it will catch up to Gregorian which I spent a good part of the day finding out, by taking into account the 11 days that Hijri gains every year.

Turns out that on the Gregorian calendar in December of 20,840, the Hijri calendar will enter its first month of 20,840!
And these two calendars will stay overlapped until the Gregorian calendar reads January 1, 20,906 because by then it will already be the year 20,907 in the Hijri calendar. So from the year 20,840-20,905 (65 years) the Gregoraian and Hijri calendars will look nearly identical, but what is even more amazing is that in the year 20,872 every day of the Hijri calendar will be contained in the Gregorian year 20,872! Mark that one on your calendar. This is a very significant year in my life because I'l be turning 18,835 that year which is good luck in my Irish-German heritage.

And none of this fascinating information is found on wikipedia, what would they do without me and my Joel Sherman entry or my Touka Neyestani entry or my Pauline Blandina entry. Each one a winner in their own right, but I have a special place in my heart for Sister Pauline because I'll never forget her drawing the outline of a penis on the board during sex class.

My hood

Everyday as I walk through my neighborhood children who I vaguely know or don't know at all shout, "Mr. Kebin!" Which is all fine and dandy as I'm going to or coming from school, but even a late night run to the grocery store for a couple beers entails putting up with the barrages of "Kebin, Kebin, Kebin!" There are about 350 students at my school and if I'd have to guess I'd say I'm living dead smack in the center of these kids. No more pissing off the balcony.

The DJ Professor

mark bell
Originally uploaded by eatjuk

That there's one Mark Bell who I worked with last year in the hagwon industry. He's moved on to bigger and brighter things though and is currently enjoying being a professor in Seoul and hosting his Monday/Wednesday radio English morning program at 8:00am. Apparently he has a 300 strong support group and can be watched live if you subscribe to the camlink option. And to think a year ago I listened in as he taught ten 7-year-old girls how to speak the Dolphin-Language for a straight 50 minute block. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Daniel's visit to Korea

bar
Originally uploaded by eatjuk

Daniel became upset when he realized the Indian wouldn't fit in his suitcase so he just cut off its head and currently has it mounted to the front of his car.

Simple Pleasures on my Ninth Transcontinental Voyage

On the 49 hour plane ride from Chicago to Seoul I watched "Next", played "Mario Kart DS", and read "Fast Food Nation", but Monica was the only person on the plane sporting the oldschool two dialed laptop, The Etch a Sketch. And though its been 20 years since I last dabbled on an Etch a Sketch screen I was surprised to find it hadn't lost its appeal, but rather my interest in it has appreciated in value and I'd recommend the Etch a Sketch for every transcontinental voyage you endure.

Freakish Surgical Accident

My old roomie Ian once spent every weekend of the summer renting "The Three Amigos" from the $1 discount rack at the local Schnucks grocery store. The third time he came in to rent it he said he saw it on sale for $5. He wondered if he should buy it. After making the quick calculation that he would have to watch it four more times after that night to get his money's worth, he decided two things. That A: it would be a good deal because he most certainly would watch it at least that many times. (And as it turns out, he was right.) And that B: he would not buy it beause he enjoyed the experience of going out to rent the same thing every weekend. He felt it was liberating to make a decision every week that he knew he would be satisfied with. And $1 is a small price to pay to run an errand you actually enjoy.

The only reason he stopped doing it wasn't because he got bored of the movie or the experience of renting the movie, but because the manager started to take the fun out of it by keeping it under his desk especially for Ian. Ian would walk in and the manager would simply hand him the movie thereby robbing him of the experience of walking through the aisles and coming upon it. He got a thrill every time he saw it sitting there on the rack and he felt he was just on a great lucky streak. It wasn't just The Three Amigos Ian loved, but looking for the movie, renting the movie, and watching the movie.

Last night I rented Hot Fuzz from my local video store and it wasn't the first time or the last time I'll rent it this year.

Leaning toward apathy

Young man.  There's no need to get down.

Devilishly Handsome

Chowing down some donerkebabs

Back on the ROK! High on mount Namsan right between Snake Mountain and Castle Grayskull. Doing the public school gig in the heart of Seoul. I've lived in cities with monuments before, but never before have I felt the monument looming over me in my sleep constantly reminding me that I am indeed one ocean away from my native land. It's good to be back in Korea and its good to be back to the land of employment. Sure, right now I want to be allowed to beat children with a stick, but in a couple of months either I will have taken control of the classroom or apathy will set in. I'm heading up to the roof of my apartment and I'm grabbing myself a a cold delicious Cass from the fridge. If you'd like to join me stop on by anytime. Just take the elevator to the top of Namsan and look for the goofy foreigner enjoying a beer in his boxers on the rooftops.